There Comes A Time When There Really Are No Other Options
So, there are no pictures to go along with this post, but that may just be to everyone's benefit. This is a little tale about how one Mom could have three children of the same sex and yet be completely different, specifically where potty training is involved. The background story; as if one is needed is that my sweet Pierce is still wearing diapers. YUP, you read that right, he just turned 4, my oldest is 5 and a half and of course now there is baby Dax so I've never not had at least one (ONE in particular) in diapers. This is not for a lack of us introducing the topic, buying pull ups (which, side rant are SUCH a waste of money if your kid thinks of them as pull on diapers as opposed to accident protection cause they do NOT hold the gunk like a diaper!), we have Elmo & Big Bear potty in the toilet DVDs, we have the "I'm a Big Boy" potty in the toilet book, we got the Mickey Mouse & Friends soft tiny toilet seat cover - which at this point is almost too small for his giant gorilla booty, countless bribery items from M&Ms to stickers, even promises of this giant Jake & Neverland Pirates boat, cause let's face it an almost $50 toy is STILL almost $300 cheaper then another damn year in diapers.. .. . . . OK so you get it we have had NO progress on the pottying front.
Splish, Splash?
As you know last summer, although sufficiently long at 17 weeks, was also just pure insanity, so I never got around to getting the boys in their swim lessons, but since we don't have access to the neighborhood pool, and there was no vacation in sight not knowing how to swim was NOT a pressing issue to me. Fast forward to this spring when a few new and wonderful things happened; the boys learned how to scale the four foot rock retaining wall that leads to the neighbors wrought iron fence which they also figured out where & how to hold onto the bars on one side to swing their legs around our 5 foot high fence and over to the back side of the retaining rock wall which is about 6 and a half feet off the ground. Once "free" they would either jump or run along the wall to the stairs and then down the back of the property to our neighbors giant trampoline, which they have offered on several occasions for us to use when ever we like so that was not a problem. The fact though, that there is a fishing pond just before the trampoline and then the lake just beyond the trampoline IS a problem. Also the fact that our STUPID gate has been broken since last September which means when my two bigs are running wild and free I am rendered useless because I'm stuck in our yard with only the options of also scaling the wall, or attempting to jump the fence, OR running out the side gate and over to our neighbors gate and through their backyard - all of which are neither time effective or convenient. All of that funness coupled with the boys growing curiosity with the bullfrogs who inhabit the fish pond which means they occasionally go over and look and listen at the ponds edge, lead to a visit from what I'll call a slightly less then sober, eloquent or couth neighbor. He decided to come down and reprimand me on my children's behavior and my lack of parenting - I'll take this time to say my boys are NEVER outside when I don't know it, can't see and/or hear them. I understand that IF you are standing on your back deck four houses down enjoying your evening cocktail and all you can see are two little boys running wild and free, sometimes near water and no parent immediately by their side I understand that could be troubling to see. HOWEVER, sometimes it would benefit all parties involved if you say, put your beverage down and took a stroll over to see for yourself that I am in fact outside with my baby watching my children, but that is neither here nor there, and since the beverage was not left on his deck, and my good ole boy, redneck, well meaning neighbor was fueled by his liquid courage and his rage at his perception as to what was going on, he felt completely justified by his good old fashion tongue lashing, followed by tongue wagging. Gotta love being the talk of the town, and with MY 3 boys I have a feeling that will NOT be the last time - so, yeah, good times. Oh and I'd like to add, I appreciate his concern for my boys safety, cause at the root of all he said I know that was his concern, but before he left, when he turned back around and reprimanded me for letting the boys throw pebbles into the fish pond because he enjoys a swim and an occasional summer bath in there, well, yeah you now have a better idea what I was dealing with. Back to the story. . . .
Safety First
SO, all of the above to say I went ahead and enrolled the Big Boys in some swim classes at Aqua Tots, which as you know is a public sort of setting and also a setting in which pottying and/or potty related accidents are none too welcomed. We did a month of 'traditional' classes and then I also enrolled the Bigs in a 'fast tract' class where they get 8 lessons in two weeks because I wanted them to be as proficient as possible before we head to the beach - yeah us, finally, that's been 2 years of waiting - but as luck would have it we are actually going to be gone the second week of the fast tract class so we had to do preemptive make up classes. Which means on some days the boys had swim lessons in both the morning and the afternoon - YAY me!! Tired boys equal happy times for Momma. Well we had completed 9 of our 12 swim lessons, Kaiden has been out of school for the last two weeks, and Pierce is finishing up his very last day today. Which means for him he would swim in the morning, go to his pre-school class from 12-3 then do swim at 4. BIG day. Well Tuesday was our first day this week where we would have both morning and afternoon swim lessons, I picked him up from school, let him grab a quick snack and juice box and we headed off towards AT. Poor little man fell asleep on the drive over and since we had a few minutes to wait once we got there I just let him stay sleeping until the very last minute - I was doing the kid a solid right?! Well, maybe not.
Wakey, Wakey - Time To Get Crazy!
3:55 I wake him up, unbuckle him from his carseat and start disrobing him to throw him in his swim suit. Since I have all 3, and with how Minnie is currently configured, it's just easier for me to change him in Minnie in the lot before we head inside. NOW, since it's only a 30 minute class AND he had been wearing diapers up until the very last minute before we head in I had NOT been putting swim diapers on him - I mean what's the point right? Yeah, I know this ain't your first rodeo you know where this is going - but to what extent - that's where the impact lies. . . . SO once inside AT they have to pick up their little swimmer cards and then wait for their instructor to call their names, so the kiddos all start to swarm around the door and I'm watching Pierce and see that he's getting squirmy, so I ask "Do you need to try and go to the potty?" To which I get an immediate and LOUD "NO". AND the dumbass I am, I take the kid for his word - his adorable yet completely full of lies word. And since this is where the instructors who are dripping wet open the door there is already small puddles under that giant black rubber industrial drip mat, so I really can NOT tell if any of those puddles are courtesy of my little love or not, and at this point he's so close to heading in and God knows ALL those kids pee in the pool so what will it matter in just a few seconds? I look away for a second to see exactly how long until it's his turn, so just the few seconds it takes to push the home button on my iphone and get the time to show itself - NOT LONG AT ALL - but that was all it took. As I look back towards P & K plus the other children who have now amassed at the door I see IT & hear P say "Uh-OH" as he points to IT!
Well Damn
Whats 'IT' you may wonder well it starts with a SH & ends with an IT. Yup, shit - it happens - Forrest Gump told us all that nugget of insight - everyone who has children have at one point or another dealt with it right?! The other parents in the room will be cool about it right!? Oh HELL NO!! Nope, not this crowd, no they will NOT, but I'll get to that in a second. NOW, I am not saying that anyone should appreciate or feel lucky to have been in the presence of P's poop, I'm just saying chill the freak out people. AS soon as I see IT, I jump up pass the counter and tell the manager that P had an accident by the door, I grabbed his hand as I passed him and said I am running him back to the bathroom, I'll grab stuff to clean it, if you can just help me keep the other kids away from it. So she also springs to action running back into her office or supply closet to get the 409 with bleach cleaner and I am putting P on the toilet, grabbing paper towels & toilet tissue to pick up the pile and sort of mark the area to avoid. As I am getting back to the door the first swim instructor is opening the door, which sweeps right over the pile of soft serve SH-IT and effectively and efficiently squishes it down and out over no less then 30 or so of those holes in the rubber industrial drip mat, which is the start of a BAD SCENE. But it doesn't end there, nope it does not - this is the Category Five Kirks we are talking about, so how could it get worse then your kid pooping on the floor and then having it spread like hot butter over a least a third of the mat, well I'll tell ya, having the poor unsuspecting instructor step right in the pile which now squishes through and up between her toes bubbling right up to the top of her foot. YUP, yes that happened. As I was bending down to get it, that nightmare sequence of events happened. And I got to be the lucky soul who said "Oh no, my kid just had an accident and you stepped in it". UGH, Three days later and I STILL cannot get the image of poop gurgling up her toes out of my mind.
Step One: Assess The Situation
Imagine if you will that you were said unfortunate instructor, she was NONE to happy or pleasant about it, who would be? - I did however give her a paper towel and attempt to assist her in the removal of IT from her foot and toes. The manager sprayed her foot with the 409, I held the door open and the other instructors helped to get the other kiddos past the scene of the crime with as little contamination and exposure as possible. Remember, at this point, P is all by himself in the bathroom at the back of the store, K was supposed to be corralling Dax over in the sitting area, I'm on my knees fingers deep in poop smashed into the rubber mat, and no less then a dozen kids are waiting to get their swim on, and their parents are perfecting their stink eye. It really doesn't get much better then this - I know you're sorry you missed it. So luckily the manager did not put up a fight to let me clean the mess, I mean seriously people, one thing I am excellent at, after five and a half years in this industry, is cleaning shit. Litteraly fecal matter & the cleaning/removal is sort of a specialty of mine. And let's get honest, poop is gross I don't want to clean your kids poop, I barely want to clean MY kid's poop, so I know no one else wants to voluntarily clean MY kids poop especially while I am standing right there. And I am OK with that, I get it, no hard feelings at all. Since I was attempting to move quickly to
remedy erase clean a crime scene, the manager offered to take Dax so K could get to class and so I could focus on my task at hand. I hustled back to the bathroom, helped P get cleaned up, washed his swim shorts in the sink to remove the remnants of poop from them - while I'm at this point in my story I will go ahead and remind you that NO he was not wearing a swim diaper, and on this day he was sporting his favorite pair Mickey Mouse swim shorts from Disney store, and this particular pair is the ONLY pair that does not have the built in underwear which is very typical for boy swim shorts. Instead, as luck would have it, these shorts are a handy SPF 50 shorts, so the insides of the shorts are this plastic like lining with a lite mesh over that, lining the entire inside of the shorts, making them a veritable poop shoot if you will, so there was NO stopping the plopping, if you will - hahahaha that's hilarious right?! I mean you should totally be laughing at this, if I were not the one left to do the CSI aftermath clean up I would have been laughing, and even now as I write it I am smiling at the thought, what is NOT funny about this?! It's a complete disaster, and totally deserves to be laughed at. What dumbass let's her not potty trained pooping & peeing machine out in public without at bare minimum a swim diaper!?
Step Two: Initiate Your Plan Of Attack
So with P now cleaned up & off in class with K, and Dax happily sitting with the manager I can get to the business at hand which happens to be, my hands in my son's business. I did the best I could to finger sweep the poo from the holes, but to really get the job done I needed a hose or outside spigot some things are just so much easier with running water. So the manager opens the door, I roll back the mat, pick up the giant industrial rubber mat which was heavy, but sorta like post car crash you get an adrenaline rush, I didn't even notice the weight as I was focused on cleaning this up before the next class arrived and added more participants to the "lets stare down and whisper about this mom whose kid took a dump on the floor" game that the other parents were already engaged in. Poop rinsed from in, on and under the mat, I pick back up the giant mat, carry it back in shaking off excess water as we walk, before I replace the mat and mostly just for show at this point I respray the entire ground on which this mat covers and hand mop the entire span even though I already did this before picking the mat up, then I replace the mat, spritz the top with the 409 bleach spray specifically on the area where the infraction occurred and wipe the surface with a new wad of paper towels, then fold back the top third of the mat in the same area and now for the fourth time re-wipe the floor. I take all the paper towels used, place them in the trash bag, tie the bag, carry it out to the trash, wash my arms up to the elbows like a dang surgeon headed into the prep room and return to the sitting area to retrieve my baby and continue being shunned by the wonderful people who apparently potty trained their children in one day with nairie an accident and not one empathetic bone in their brittle skeletons. Good for you people. I say keep your nose lifted at that exact angle so it's easy to look down on us little people, tell this same story the way you saw it, and how disgusted you were, and what kind of a mother would let her child do that. . . . then go home and hug your kids and thank God that he gave you exactly what you could handle, perfect, easy & awesome, never made a misstep kids! Bravo for you!
Step Three: Sweat It Out Till You Get The All Clear
Now just because the crime scene was sufficiently cleaned, did not entirely mean that we were in the clear. You see, there is still the pressing issue of P not wearing a diaper and at least ten minutes of swim class remaining. Yeah, not that my toxic clean up from earlier hadn't already gotten me into a dripping sweat, now I was sweating bullets, saying every prayer I could think of that he did not soil the pool and ruin swim for the rest of the day. I knew he had pooped on the floor by the door, he also had pooped a little in the bathroom while I left him to fend for himself but I couldn't judge if he still had any left in the chamber, so to speak. As I stood wishing for the last 8 minutes to pass, the manager came and stood by me and thanked me for cleaning the mess, which honestly shocked me. I said "are you kidding? I would NEVER not clean a mess my kids make especially when it is that kind of a mess" She goes on to tell me how when this happens, as it does cause come on people, say it with me, shit happens, most parents are so embarrassed that they sneak away and leave the incriminating evidence to be discovered & subsequently cleaned by an employee. UM, to those parents, I get it, you'd rather be anywhere but there cleaning your kids crap from in front of Judgey McJudgenstein's eyes, but get over it, grow a pair and clean that shit up!
Step Four: Determine A Victor Once Dust Settles
God loves me, and answered my desperate pleas and prayers to make it through the remainder of class sans anymore special guest appearances from P's poo. We grab our suckers on the way out, I thank the manager again for holding Dax and helping me so that I can clean the mess, apologize again for the mishap, cause ultimately it was my fault I woke him up, threw him in swim suit and didn't make him try and go, and I leave that place with my head held high. I did my duty and cleaned up his booty. I thought that was it, we were good to go. But as I stood out in the parking lot helping the boys get in Minnie and changed back into their dry clothes all I could see in my mind's eye was the poop, her toes, then her less then happy eyes cut to me and P and I knew I had to do something to pay them back. I mean it's MY kid and I would have turned seventeen shades of crazy had I unsuspectingly stepped in a pile of his fresh hot poo - so umm, yeah we headed down the street to Starbucks, ran in and got gift cards for all the instructors and the manager and went back to sort of settle the score. I know they work with kids, and there is some risk associated with that choice, but hot shit between the toes should not be one of them.
Give Me A "V" - For Victory!!
Now had I been a coward parent, turned my other cheek and left the mess for someone else to deal with I would have felt awful going back the next day for another double header swim lesson, but as it is, I left with a clean conscience and clean floor and returned with gift cards for caffeinated loveliness - who wouldn't forgive me that?! And the last sort of bonus, Tuesday night after prayers as I was tucking P in, I asked him "what bad thing had happened during the day that made mommy upset?"
And he got a big smile on his face and said "I pooped and peed on the floor at Aqua Tots"
I said "Yes, but it's not funny. Mommy got in a lot of trouble and a lot of people were not happy at all about that accident. It's not OK for that to happen again, do you understand? You are too big to be doing that in public"
He stopped smiling, then he got this serious look on his face and he sat up and put his arm around my neck and said "I'm sorry I pooped and peed on the floor Momma. I not do it again" then he planted a big kiss on my cheek and laid back down.
Baby Steps
Wednesday, we had another morning and afternoon swim class. I did dig out my pack of Large swim diapers just in case - fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice ~ well I ain't going there!! We got home from our second swim class, after his bath he looks up at me and says "I feel it wanting to come out" he walked to the bathroom sat down on the toilet and within a few minutes he had peed and pooped in the toilet. OH HAPPY DAY!!! K & P & I did the happy dance then celebrated his deposits with some ice pops and I went to bed last night a happy, happy girl! Sometimes, baby steps in the right direction can feel like leaps and bounds and that is enough for me!
